I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
