Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
