she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
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