so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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