I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
