all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
