i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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