Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
