i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
