i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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