Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
