Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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