Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
