Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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