***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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