Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
