This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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