i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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