just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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