so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
