in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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