Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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