i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
