I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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