Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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