fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I supernannyed him into submission
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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