I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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