My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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