This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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