I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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