I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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