She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
