the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
