I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
