I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
