On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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