He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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