I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
