you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
