I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
