Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
