we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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