Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My vagina is officially offended.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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