Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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