Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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