i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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