So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the day after is always just damage control
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Randomize
