why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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