I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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