I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
