When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
