Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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