That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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