I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
