Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
