When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
