My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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