how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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