Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
