When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
