I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
