she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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