You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
