So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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