Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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